


Solitary

by fanforfanatic



Series: Destiel Drabbles [20]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Makes Mistakes, Castiel centric, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, End of the World, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Remorse, castiel fucks up, godstiel-esque
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 04:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11889549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanforfanatic/pseuds/fanforfanatic
Summary: When he comes to—and he will—Cas won’t remember what drove him mad in the first place.





	Solitary

When he comes to—and he will—Cas won’t remember what drove him mad in the first place. 

He’ll remember the before. He’ll remember millennia of fighting in Heaven’s name, of fighting his nature for Heaven’s sake, of doing his best to comply. He’ll remember rebelling. He’ll remember doing it for humanity. For the Winchesters. For eyes green like Earth is when Cas flies high above it.

He’ll remember how every good came with a bad. How even when he was happiest, when he was  _ home _ , it was never without burden. Never without aches felt in bones that weren’t really his. He’ll remember the sad smile of a man who’d been given too much to bear. He’ll remember freckles, more than he could ever count, like scattered seashells on a bed of golden sand. When he comes to, he’ll remember those first. He’d spent hours kissing them.

Then, he’ll remember the after. He’ll remember overwhelming  _ power _ thumping in veins that can barely contain it. He’ll remember trying to control it, a valiant effort that only delayed what had become the inevitable. He’ll remember murdering… everyone. Slaying legions of demons, annihilating armies of angels. He’ll remember gates shutting, Heaven and Hell sealing themselves off, afraid. Afraid of him.

He’ll remember turning on Man, next. He’ll remember wrecking cities, and snapping skyscrapers into halves as easily as thick branches against his knee. He’ll remember how he split the Earth to sink entire countries. How he set acres ablaze. How he raised the seas to extinguish flames, only to be displeased with how much it resembled leniency.

He’ll remember the screams, the havoc, the collapse of society. He’ll remember cries buzzing in his head, around him,  _ at  _ him. Oceans of begging drowned by a singular prayer.

_ Cas, c’mon, man. You can beat this. Come back.  _ We  _ can beat this. _

He’ll remember the steady tone, heavy with unwavering faith, and he’ll remember not caring. He’ll remember getting annoyed as it persisted. He’ll remember finding the man, and snuffing his voice, ending his life on the same beat. He’ll remember not caring about that either, leaving him, body still warm, still beautiful in a sick sort of way, crumpled by a black car Cas had used as a weapon, blood dripping from its bumper how it might off a blade’s edge. By then, Cas will know all about the edge.

It’ll be years later that Cas will come to, that whatever evil inside him finally ebbs away. There won’t be many people left in the world, and those who’ll have survived will spend their time regretting it, huddled around flickering campfires that do little to stave off the cold. They’ll live off of hunting, the traditional kind, but it won’t sustain them long; livestock will be scarce. The Earth will be all stone and scorched fields, no greens left to pluck even the smallest berry from. There’ll be no soil fit for planting, nothing will grow. Not anywhere. Not anymore. Cas will have left no room for creation, for new life. 

He’ll climb a mountain to look at what will have become of the world, what he’ll have made of it. It’ll be a wasteland, and Cas will feel just as empty. Just as hollow. Nothingness, weighty and growing, taking up the space inside him where his heart once was, his grace, his soul, his hope. His will.

It’ll crush him, unyieldingly press down on his chest until ribs crack. Until breathing burns his throat, and sets fire to his lungs. He won’t deserve air. He won’t deserve anything. He decimated the earth he swore to protect. Massacred the people Dean had died for, again and again.

That's the cruelest irony. Cas will be the one to undo all of Dean’s work. Every single one of Dean’s sacrifices, every life saved, it will all have been for nothing.

He’ll try not to think of Dean. Of how  _ gone _  he is. Because of Cas. He’ll always be alone and lonely on top of his mountain, looking over his creation.

Even his Fall did not bring him so low.

Cas will survive, long after the last human is gone, beyond when the sun dies, Cas will be around. Death would be a mercy, and there will be no absolution for him. Not for this.

But that has yet to come. Now, he sits in the library, in the chair the Winchesters accept as his, and he sips hot chocolate. He peeks over the top of his book at the beautiful man who is also his.

Castiel doesn't have a clue.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://fanforfanatic.tumblr.com/).


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